Stopping the War
There is an essential paradox that I have found in my own pursuit of transformation: the conflict between my motivation– to be healthier, to be happier, to be more connected, to change– and the outcome — self- acceptance, love, presence, being. My motivations are fueled by desire, yet the fruits of practice leave nothing to be desired. There is no special effort to be made to “get there,” because “there” is here.
In a certain sense, all of my efforts to transform were motivated by discomfort. I didn’t like the way I felt, I needed to “do something” about it. This created an inevitable conflict. Reality said one thing: “hey Ben, your hips are kinda tight and your chest hurts!” and Ben said, “No.” But you don’t argue with reality.
It took me ten days of silence to begin to see this. At a meditation retreat where I was instructed to give up all effort, to not control the breath, to not attempt to change my state of being, to give up “making it better.” Only to observe. To observe the body and the mind and not intercede.
I discovered that when I let go of my efforts and routines I was confronted with reality pure and simple. And it HURT. And not even in some metaphorical sense. The most intense physical pain I had ever experienced, uninterrupted for hours. As it wound its way through my entire body my job was simply to observe. All of my motivation to change, to transform, to heal was right in front of me– it was not some calling to evolve, to become super human. It fucking hurt, and I wanted OUT.
So eventually, faced with reality, I began to soften. To be where I was, even if it was painful. And then it moved. When I stopped resisting, it started to transform. It took different paths through my body, through my arms and legs and torso. And as it did so, my body began to heal. To do the very things I was trying so hard to accomplish.
I did not transform reality. It transformed me. As it still is. But this doesn’t mean turning into a glassy eyed catatonic yogi. I can still do everything I did before. But now I can do my yoga and my qi gong with a little less desire, with a little less neediness and a little more acceptance. A little more presence. A little more love.
Relax into the dance,
Ben
I am not into yoga, but I can agree it does hurt when you go inside and see the truth about ones self. But what is harder is not just the pain but the reminder that we all could be as one and yet we choose to be separate which is the cause of our great pain and so it is reflecting in all our surroundings. But, now I ask is it fair to the innocence of mother earth (when I say this it applies to all life forms on this lovely planet) to bare our ignorance in allowing this to continue? Must we be pawns or are we going to choose to be what we were designed to be. Will we allow ourselves to be deceived into thinking that we are this pitiful or are we going to take control out of the hands that are not capable of generating their own power. So the question lies in whom we are and what do we really want? Do we want to be responsible and accountable or do we want to sleep and be irresponsible and be used?
It is quite painful to see just how often we choose isolation over connection, yet I find that that pain leads to such beauty as one’s barriers begin to fall. Would the joy and love be as great if we had not first been separate? Could one exist without the other? The questions you raise are indeed ones that I have asked myself, and which motivate me in my life. Yet I believe it is impossible to make someone else grow or break down their walls unless they are truly motivated to do so. I find this an especially difficult fact to face in this world. I suppose the best one can hope for is to “be the change you want to see.” Thank you for your comment
Ben
Yes it is true one must first be willing, and this means motivation. Is this not exactly what we have now with all this negativity bombardment? I believe as a species we have come to a cross road sort of speaking and if we don’t see through the mirrored image of our selves through the eyes and ears of pure love than we will never see the truth. All was allowed so we could grow up and be what we were meant to be. Yes as humans we tend not to want change but eventually we do become bored and don’t even understand why and so it begins the questions and the seeking for truth. I believe the sleeper has awaken in a way and there is much to see and learn, but only through pure heart, and this means something that we have never experienced or rather don’t remember. It’s been a long time since we have been stirred like this and it is a good thing. I am glad for a kindred spirit at times it gets very though to hold on to this with our minds and egos so broad and full of themselves it leaves little room for the ray of light to come through, but I am comforted that even in the snow a rose blooms or in a garbage dump a tree will come into being and this is beautiful for me. Thanks again for your heartfelt journey as they say may the force be with you.
Renata